Finding Love in a Gay Club.

So last night I was accused as well as asked if I was a lesbian. My answer kept changing, depending on who asked or whether I liked their shirt or not. My inner-gay-lesbian was on the prowl and I definitely spanked a few too many gays last night, we were celebrating the gays marriage approval. I maybe even gave some lesbians the impression that I was batting for their softball team. By the time we left our first stopover for the night, we all decided to go to the Imperial Hotel, (another gay club). The bouncer at the door looked at the whole group of us waiting to be allowed in. To be honest, I'm surprised most of us  got in. We were loud, stumbling and reeked of a brewery but they didn't care so, off we went!

This is where the crazy started to happen. After doing a 'wet pussy' shot with Matt and Joel (Matthew's special friend) they disappeared and I wanted another beverage. Waiting in line I felt arms wrap around me and someone sniffing my hair. I turn around and smiled, thinking it was Matt-- it wasn't. Some random gay decided that my hair smelt amazing and kept sniffing my hair as if it were made of cocaine. Laughing it off I eased away making my way to the stairs. I hated stairs on a sober day, drunk was even worse. I got up there and was complimented on my outfit. I smiled and curtseyed (as you do). One guy however asked if he could try on my outfit, and try on my bra. I laughed it off too. But the whole night I found him following me around asking me to swap.

Then comes when I needed to pee. The female toilets were nowhere to be found. I asked a lovely couple making out on the couch to show where it was 'safe' to pee. They laughed kindly and pointed me to the men's toilet. With a sigh I was in there, doing my business. I contemplated peeing in the urinal, but thought I may have fallen, instead I was balancing and aiming!
I've never felt more like a bloke than last night, nor made so many friends, or gotten harassed for my clothes. It was a night to remember and laugh about and all in the name of L.O.V.E.

My beer tower, thanks to; The Courthouse Pub

How DRUNK is "beer goggles"?

We've all been guilty with the drunken hook ups. But we've also been guilty of the drunken hook ups that look like they've been not only smacked by the ugly stick, but thrown at the ugly wall. Even now as you read this, you're suppressing one of the if not many drunken kisses in a corner of a seedy club. When the strobe lights are turned off, music is shut down and the alcohol flow is cut off, you open you're eyes-- and really open them and finally see who you've just played tongue wrestling with for the past hour and a half.

Disappointment painted all over your face, you turn to your friends for support and their pissing themselves laughing and making kissing-suction sounds. You shudder as you turn back to your so-called-conquest for the night, give a polite smile and when they aren't looking run in the opposite direction. "Beer goggles" strike again!

Which comes the mystery of, how drunk is beer goggles, vodka goggles, contreu redbull goggles and so forth? There is obviously a line that you cross that makes you believe that the person that you're hooking up with is human. But where does that definitive line come from? Do these "goggles" actually handicap your vision, or is that one drink that pushes you from drunk, to a person with no standards?
Usually with a blog entry, a friend or an acquaintance of mine would star in it but really, everyone at some point in their lives has had these goggles impair their inhibitions and has spiraled them into the joke of the group till the next idiot got too drunk and made the same mistake.

These metaphoric goggles have baffled man-kind since alcoholism itself. And remember, if you're hooking up with someone that you think is way out of your league? Chances is they probably are, and you're their drunken mistake.
CHEERS, bitches!!

Cock-Tales

The age old question is one every man wants to know the answer to and what every woman will keep to herself...or lie about. Does size really matter? A lot of men have come to the conclusion that they may not be hung like a donkey, or the men from the movie "Baseketball"-- and there's nothing wrong with that. Really. A lot of girls say, if not all, that they wish that so and so was bigger, but at the end of the day, if you don't know how to use the hammer, there's no use in screwing, right?
 
A friend (Riss) dated a guy back in high school and has claimed that he is the most well-endowed guy she's ever been with but was completely useless when it came down to business. So that proves that size doesn't matter. But here's another area of concern. If you're small, and you know or feel like you're not any good in the sack, you need a plan B. And I'm not just talking about the morning after pill.
 
A man's best comrade may be his penis but poking him in and out of a woman while trying to keep that stupid grin off of your face, is not a females version of fun. Selfish lovers tend to get their fix but then forget about the second party. And if that's the case don't be surprised if your gf/newly made ex- gf or f%ck buddy buys you a flesh light instead.
If men are so insecure with their equipment, train yourself with other abilities. You can't be shit at all of it and if you are, buy a blow up doll and practice, practice, practice.
 
 

How long is too long?

When it comes to sex, everyone wants quality AND quantity. However most of us do not get both, sometimes too long can lead to aches and pains the next day, walking like you've got a permanent bowling ball up your rectum...you know, the usual. Not often do we hear people say that they had an amazing, mind-blowing, outer body experience that went on for two-hours. To be quite honest, I think most of us might die, so would it be safe to say, the universe's way of looking after us is by either having a shit to decent romp for 10-20mins (sometimes less, I'm not judging) or a tedious and repetitive sexathon for hours on end.

A friend of mine, Brendan and partner were having a long romping session and despite Brendan saying how great it was, the result afterwards is not something that he expected. He exclaimed how when penetration was in motion (literally) he couldn't feel any pain till half an hour after a 2.5 hour sexathon did he notice his balls swell up to the size of an infants head...well, not really, more like a tennis ball. Heading to his lesbian doctors room his comfort level was beyond embarrassed--he really didn't want to show her his testicles.

"You've got blue balls." She says as Brendan exhaled a sigh of relief. Though the special cream that he was prescribed was nothing of relief at all. His balls felt like they were on fire! "...a burn cream...like deepheat." I don't even have balls but I assure you that , that doesn't sound pleasant and I'd rather have sex with a remote controlled car then have anything like that near my genitals, thanks. But Brendan endured his injury and cream-- he was back to normal soon enough, and all his girlfriend could do was laugh, bless her.
So I ask you this question again. Would you prefer great sex for less time, or something that goes for two and a half hours and ends up making your balls or genitals feel like they're being severed with a spoon. I know what I'd choose.

Self-Service.

All over the world there are droughts. No, not from lack of rain but droughts nonetheless. We as the human race need the touch from another one of our kind. Sometimes the pressure build up is enough to make you want to penetrate anything that had a pulse, this can sometimes be frowned upon by society. Which is why God gifted us with certain tools. There are many devices and things we can use to help sate the drought, provide a little "moisture", so to speak and give us a somewhat fix.

• Dildos.
• Blow up dolls.
• Vibrators.
• Flesh lights.
• Anal beads.

Adult stores  make a fortune from the behalf of those of us suffering from the misfortune of not get any. It also seems that while your silicone-vibrator is peeling, or your flesh light starts having chunks falling off, we forget about the best tool. Our hands. Sex is not just about pleasure, well, it is but there is more to it than that. We crave the touch of another person, and though the toys do a good job, most of the time when they aren't falling apart, nothing beats the sensation you get from skin on skin.

There's nothing wrong with self servicing, sometimes you just have to make do but we should learn about our bodies more, instead of shoving any colourful toy in our crevices. You can also save money too. Bring back free-love, I say.

Finding Love In Other Drunks.

It all begins and ends with alcohol.
When liquor is coursing through your veins you find the biggest urges to dry hump anything really. But not for my friend Natalie. Dressed to impress going out to get drunk, not knowing she'd be meeting someone, exactly to her liking. Daniel.
Daniel is an army boy, and with that title he had a gorgeous body that is enough to tempt any woman to her knees. Which and I quote after a few dates together Natalie exclaimed "I don't want to be courted, I just want to f%ck him!" An articulate woman. A journalist and strong willed lady, never has anyone heard her speak with such vulgarity.

But after recent events despite Natalie's drunken rampage in the car after meeting him stating that he's 'the one' and that she can 'feel in deep inside of her'. It has now come to her attention that he might be gay. Who in their right mind would turn down a night with the rowdy Natalie? Her thoughts that he didn't like her strong opinions and views on certain things, has lead her to believe that she's conforming into a feminist. Why is it that guys feel the need to be intimidated with strong women?

People drink to gain confidence, Nat has it regardless. But every woman has insecurities and if a man doesn't want a bar of a particular woman, or type, is it cruel to assume he's gay? Probably not.

Photo Taken by DJ.Cartilla

Car Acrobatics.

One hand on his shoulder, the other bracing the side of the car. You've got your head above the steering wheel while you're straddling your partner. The windows fog up, all you can hear is the sound of breaths quickening, feeling sweat gliding down your body, and you're about to climax...


That's what sex sounds like in the movies. But in reality it's a little bit more complicated and painful then that.
Introducing Kristy (on the left). After a 'drive' with a 'friend' the night before, bruises protruded from certain areas, where she knew biting or sucking were NOT involved. Which proves that sex in cars are more trouble than you bargain for. Yet again if the house is out of service or it's something along the lines of a secret, sometimes we all have to compensate and deal with it later.


Through years of practice, Kristy believes that she has somewhat perfected the art of positioning. And by positioning, I don't mean so she doesn't get bruises but more for the fact that she gets the most out of it, you know the big 'O'.
A lot of women are self-conscious about their bodies, and to be on top while bits are bouncing all over the place? Well, lets be honest, gravity tends not to be our friends once the bras come off and gravity takes hold, or drop. While we're bouncing about, we have more things to be concerned with then where to put our leg without squishing it against a seat belt buckle, or that we're more than likely about to smash our head on the car roof.

Car acrobatics are fun for a quick fix, but if you're not into pain, I suggest you keep it in your pants! Just kidding. Just find alternatives. Remember, cars have bonnets too!

Part-Time Lesbians

People hook up all the time. Especially in clubs. The liquor is flowing, the music blazing. The kind of mood bringer. You're out with your friends enjoying a good laugh making fun of the idiot that almost face-planted themselves going down the stairs, you know, the usual. Now when I say 'part-time lesbians', people may think bi-sexual? But no, it's not what this is about. There is nothing wrong with being sexual, it's part of human nature. There's nothing wrong with hooking up with a stranger in the club, given the lights and alcohol haven't blinded your voice of reason. Or vision.

 There are a specific group of females who find the need to make out publicly to draw attention to themselves. They are the girls that are usually surrounded by the drooling, trouser-bulging douchebags. I admit, we all tend to watch. It's like a train wreck, you wanna look away, but you can't. Now there's a difference when  you hook up with your friends in the comfort of someones home or behind closed doors than in public. These same girls make it hard for those of us trying to play the 'girlfriend' card when saving a friend on the dance floor.

My friends and I are part-time lesbians too. But for reasons to be rid of the creeps that are hip thrusting you from behind, whispering profane things in your ear and straight out ugly. One of us goes up to the unfortunate friend getting their space invaded, abuses 'happy pants' and claims them as their girlfriend. However this can backfire and the douchebag that was invading just one persons space, now thinks it's a good idea to ask for a threesome. It's not. And it's definitely not a cue for you to ask for both of us to go home with you, when clearly, one of us as it is don't want you in the first place.
Being a part-time lesbian has it's perks but sometimes friends like to cock block other friends, for the hell of it, by using the girlfriend card, and there's no happy vagina's or endings anywhere.

F%ck Buddy Etiquette?

So when it comes to having a f%ck buddy is there a particular way we have to do certain things? I mean, on arrival to the 'meeting of choice' whether it be a cheap pop-in hotel, parking bay near a park, sneaking in through windows while their parents are home etc... Do you hug, kiss or awkwardly stand there and wave hello?
Most people will experience having a bed buddy and some of the reasons for that may involve;

• Just got out of a serious relationship, doesn't want to commit to anyone.
• Too busy for a relationship, (for whatever reason).
• Revenge fucking.
• Accidental sex, (drunk sex).
• Unsatisfied in their current relationship.
• Friendly romping.

 When you're lying down (or what ever position you're in) mid penetration,  are you being held in an embrace, a choke hold or not at all? Is it wrong to assume that you should be treated in a certain way? There are so many questions that need to be asked, however are hardly ever spoken aloud, why? Because once you ask these questions, you become the relationship initiator and no one likes those. Can you imagine after you're both putting your clothes back on and wiping remaining love-juices off of yourself, you go to say goodbye, don't know what to do, panic and then ask something stupid like "so do we kiss goodbye or something?"

Having a fuck buddy is supposed to be fun, when feelings get involved when there's already an arrangement, things can end up quite messy. It really makes you think, "since when did sex become so damn complicated?"

Put In & Miss

Now, most people get confused as to why some guys get the wrong placing when it comes to the female body. The usual excuses of; I was drunk, it was too dark to see etc can really put a damper to an intense foreplay session.
There's nothing worse for a woman, (apart from queefing), than to have an intruder in the wrong door. Meet Kas, my cousin, (the one in the middle).

 

Now Kas, freshly eighteen, likes to hang out with me and my mates on occasions and is welcomed with open arms all the time. However on her actual eighteenth birthday celebration, a guy that she was seeing at the time thought it would be cool to fool around at the side of her house. Clearly intoxicated, finding him attractive, being eighteen and on heat- she complied.

After an intense make-out session and messy groping, next thing Kas remembers is a surprise invasion, in the trapdoor. Not wanting to hurt his feelings with the mixture of shock, she allows him to continue, pretending and giving him the audio encouragement.

When is it okay to tell someone that they're in the wrong 'parking spot', that where they're located is not where they're supposed to be? Despite feeling the shock of it all, is it really okay to stop the vehicle before it parks or do we have to keep the alcohol away and the lights on? If it were up to most women, the ideal romping session would be hardly any lights on, alcohol is involved and no accidental anal probing. Unless you're into that kinda thing.

Would you like a lie with that?

When lying becomes a chore, does it mean I'm growing up?
Possibly not. To be honest it just probably means that you've done it so often that it has become something tedious and overrated.
But when, in friendships and relationships is it okay to lie to the other person or other people?
They say that;
             "The best recipe to ruin a relationship, is for everyone to know about it,"
but is this correct? Could it be possible to be 'involved' with someone without people knowing  about it and it being successful- or is it possible that people will start to figure things out? Will the lies become so deep that to get out of it would be a release of the noose around your neck?

Understandably when in a committed relationship there are reasons for truths to be withheld, but where in the rule book of relationships does it say that lying can't be healthy? What happens if what the other person is lying about is to help protect the one that they're involved with. Selfish or do gooder, the line between good and evil blur together often enough to confuse the best of us.
Cheating is one of the lies that you keep from the other partner purposely to not hurt the feelings of the one that is getting cheated on, however is that the same as protection of the other person, you or both?

When it comes to lying there are hidden motifs, trapdoors and bogie-traps hidden under every undercurrent of your voice, the blinking of your eyelashes or the deep inhalation you take before the lies start rolling off your tongue. Lying can be healthy to those doing the lying, (at times), but remember fellow liars. Sometimes the lie you ensue, isn't worth the consequences.